You’ve Been Lied To About Pain

“You fall to the level of your training.”
“Comfort is weakness. Pain makes you stronger.”
“Push through. Lean in. Embrace the suck.”

We say these things like they’re universal truths.
But let’s be honest. They’re not.

They sound strong. They feel heroic.
But they’re not always real strength.

Sometimes they’re just coping strategies.
Sometimes they’re ways we numb what we don’t want to feel.

Because the truth is this:

Suffering isn’t strength. It’s a signal.
It’s not a trophy. It’s not growth.
It’s your body. Your mind. Your soul. They are all asking for your attention.

And if you keep ignoring it, it won’t forge you.
It will fracture you.

Why This Matters

Burnout is not a badge of honour.
It’s a boundary that was never respected.

People are not failing because they’re lazy.
They’re failing because they’re disconnected.

The world keeps pushing hustle.
But what we need now isn’t more force.
It’s more honesty.

You don’t need to be tougher.
You need to come home to yourself.

I Was Supposed To Be Better Than This

A few years back, I felt like I was losing myself.

I was flat. Angry. Disconnected.
The kind of stuck you can’t outwork.

I knew the routines. The habits. The goals.
But I couldn’t follow through.

So I did what a lot of us do.
I blamed the pressure. I blamed people. I blamed timing.
Anything but myself.

But the truth was this:
I wasn’t undisciplined. I was disconnected.
There was a gap between what I believed about myself and how I was showing up.

So I went searching.

Eventually I found the VIA Character Strengths Survey. A tool built by psychologists. It maps out 24 core strengths linked to well-being and meaning.

I thought it would confirm what I already knew.
That I was disciplined. That I had integrity. That I was built for challenge.

But the results said something else.

Discipline wasn’t near the top.
Integrity wasn’t either.
Bravery? Low.

I sat there looking at the screen, confused.
The traits I had built my identity on were nowhere to be found.

And in that moment, something cracked open in me.

Was the test wrong? Or was I wrong about who I thought I was?

That question haunted me.

Because deep down, I wasn’t sure anymore.

I had become so good at performing what I thought strength looked like
that I couldn’t tell the difference between what was real and what was rehearsed.

The tool didn’t fix me.
But it did something more important.
It held up a mirror I hadn’t seen before.

It showed me the cost of being out of alignment with myself.
And suddenly, the suffering I felt made sense.

It wasn’t weakness. It wasn’t failure.
It was the ache of being split.

And that was the first time I realised:
Pain isn’t always something to push through.
Sometimes it’s something to listen to.

The Problem With Glorifying Pain

We treat suffering like it’s the path.
We admire the people who grind. The ones who never quit.
We assume more struggle equals more growth.

But that’s not always how it works.

Grit, as Angela Duckworth defines it, is perseverance and passion.
Hardiness, from Suzanne Kobasa’s work, is commitment under pressure.

Neither of them said pain is the point.
They studied what helps people survive pain and failure, not chase it.

Pain is not proof you’re on the right path.
Sometimes it’s the alarm telling you you’re not.

You Don’t Need To Suffer To Grow

Nietzsche said, “He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.”
Frankl said, “Suffering ceases to be suffering the moment it finds meaning.”

They weren’t romanticising pain.
They were explaining how humans endure the unbearable when they’re connected to something deeper.

But we twist their words.
We turn their wisdom into reasons to keep pushing when we should be pausing.

Not every struggle is sacred.
Some are just signs you’re betraying yourself.

It’s Not Weakness. It’s Fragmentation

Internal Family Systems therapy puts it into words.
You’re not one voice. You’re many.
And when those parts don’t agree, you suffer.

One part wants safety. Another wants visibility.
One wants to rest. Another wants to prove itself.

This is not about discipline.
It’s about integration.

Carl Rogers said it clearly:

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

You don’t become better by rejecting who you are.
You grow when you return to wholeness.

So What Is Strength, Really?

Not pushing harder.
Not pretending you’re fine.
Not swallowing the pain and calling it progress.

Character is congruence.

It’s the courage to act in alignment with your truth.
Especially when no one’s watching.
Especially when it costs you something.

It’s not about doing more.
It’s about lying to yourself less.

The AAA Framework: A New Definition of Discipline

Here’s what shifted everything for me.

Awareness
Where am I acting out of alignment with my values?

Acceptance
What part of me have I been rejecting?

Aligned Action
What would the most honest version of me do right now?

Forget motivation hacks. Forget mindset tricks.
This is deeper. This is alignment-based living.

Because when your behaviour reflects your beliefs, then you stop suffering.
Not because you escaped the pain.
But because you finally listened to it.

Real Talk

Growth without honesty is just self-betrayal in disguise.

This one hit me deep. Because I’ve lived both sides of it.

I’ve tried to outrun pain.
Tried to work through it.
Tried to out-discipline what was actually a cry for help.

It never worked.

But when I stopped and listened, so really listened, everything shifted.

Suffering became a teacher.
Not because I idolised it.
But because I finally stopped avoiding it.

Try This Daily

One question. Every day this week:

Where did I act today in a way that betrayed what I really believe?

No shame. No stories. Just reflection.

Track it.
Name it.
Accept it.
Then correct your course.
Don’t regret. What happened, happened due to a reason.
Enjoy the path. Whatever happens. From a higher standpoint, everything negative brought you also something positive.

That’s how you stop suffering from breaking you.
That’s how you let it bring you back.

Challenge: 3 Minutes To Realign

Tonight, take three minutes.
Write down three values you say matter to you.
Now ask: Did I live them today?

If not, why not?
What pulled you away?

No judgement. Just clarity.

Do one small thing differently tomorrow.
Not to fix yourself.
But to honour yourself by being honest to yourself.